Long Update of Super Hugeness

Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted. Probably because I've just been feeling too down to bother writing to a non-existant audience. Remember that whole depression thing that started at a football game a while ago? Well, it's still around... and it resurfaces just when I let my guard down.

Take today for example. It was an all right day, compared to how things have been going. We had an assembly- sort of a rip off of the gameshow Power of 10- and Cliff was one of the hosts. He was funny and cute, as usual, and I was rather enjoying myself. I don't remember how it was relevant, but somehow Cliff was saying, "I think of everyone as my friend." I started crying.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking that I'm being all lame about liking Cliff. I know I don't have a chance, and normally I wouldn't get so upset. I think it's just that, on top of everything else that's been happening. I got used to having Chris to talk to, but now that we're not dating anymore, I don't have anyone. Cliff just amazes me so much because I had no idea a guy could be like that- nice and funny and smart and polite- like the amazing guys that every normal girl envisions in her head, minus the British accent. What's been happening lately? Well, let me recap.

My relationship with my mother has fallen to pieces. My dad has no time for me, too preoccupied with my brother. My mom's side of the family thinks I'm some sort of awful teenager because my mom lies to them about me. I'm realizing that the things I thought I was good at- piano, band, singing, writing- I'm not very good at at all. I'm not nearly as close with my friends anymore, and it seems like they all have someone they talk to or like or hang out with more than me. My grades aren't anywhere near where they should be. I haven't been eating.

And the worst part? The loneliness hasn't gone away, either.

It's like there's an empty spot in the pit of my stomach. I've been crying a lot lately, at the most random times, for no reason at all. The slightest thing can set me off anymore. I don't want to go and be social and do things with people because I'm afraid I'm going to be rejected. Don't get me wrong, I'm not becoming anti-social or depressed or anything. At least, I hope not. I've been praying, but it doesn't seem to be helping any. And today when I started crying in the auditorium, I felt like the world's biggest loser. So many people have it worse than me. If you asked anyone else, there isn't even anything going on in my life that should have me this upset. I don't know what it is, and I want it to go away.

On the plus side? Halloween is coming. Maybe my favorite holiday will cheer me up.

I feel like a teen again!

After ages of having no life at all, I feel like a teenager again.

Miki, Sara and I went up to the mall on Monday since we had the day off of school, and we had so much fun! We were basically just window shopping, except for in Borders and Game Stop. I got another volume of manga and the My Sims game for my Nintendo DS. Awesome game, and Miki got it too. ^_^

I miss hanging out with my friends like that. "Hey, I'm bored, let's go to the mall!" It makes me feel normal, and I'm gonna make it a point to do it again soon.

In other news... I had to work last night, and Jordan showed up to eat with his family. The cook asked me if he was my boyfriend, and I said no, I was his section leader. "You're his SEX LEADER?!" @_@ It was a little embarrassing, but whatever, I don't care! ^_^

We did our Catcher in the Rye skits in English today (I don't think I explained about that, we were supposed to defend the book in a school board meeting). When we wrote ours, I thought it was funny, but I don't think people liked it. ;.; Maura, Reanna, Emily, and Leanna said they liked it though, so that's cool. ^_^ Cliff's group was amazing... basically because he was in it. <3>

Well, that's about it for now. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little better these days even though I have a cold. Kinda mentally better, ya know? Yes, better mood now. Much better.

Under the weather...

Ugh, this sucks. My voice is all but gone for some reason, I have a big project I have to finish for APUSH, and there's an orthodontist appointment tomorrow. There was something I wanted to update about, but I don't remember what it is.

Penguins won last night, yay, but Steelers won today, boo. Too tired and too crappy-feeling to update anymore. Ciao. >.>

Guess I'll have to live with lonesome...

been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time...

Okay, there is something seriously messed up going on. My cousin Jason's wedding was today. It was amazing- Laurel, his fiance- well, wife now!- looked beautiful, I got to be with my little cousin Caleb and my older cousin Amy, it was in this big old house that made me want to crawl upstairs into one of the turret rooms and write. But for some reason, it made me feel excruciatingly lonely.

And it happened last night, too. I felt kinda down all night... and I feel bad for Jordan, because I was extremely untalkative... and then (I feel like some sort of snobby person saying this) Cliff came into the stands to say goodbye to Kaitlyn. I saw him, with his hat on backwards and this grin on his face, and my stomach sort of dived. And when he walked away, I felt really sad and I cried a little... lame, I know... and I felt really, really lonely.

What is it with me?! I shouldn't be lonely... I have amazing friends, and my dad, and even my brother hasn't been too bad lately. It's not like I have a bad life, or like no one talks to me. I have no right to feel all down on myself! But I can't help it... I keep getting this feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry. It hurts, but not actual physical pain, you know? I don't know why... and if anyone at all is reading this, please don't think I'm going into a depression or that I'm whining or trying to get attention. Nothing is wrong at all, which is why I don't know why I feel this way.

Well, to keep this from being all about me- Jason and Laurel, have a great life together! I love you both!

I'm gonna cry some
Then I'm gonna lay here and die some
All because I know there ain't no one else
Baby if I can't live with you
Guess I'll have to
Live with lonesome

Aw, shoot.

... I gave in. My idea consists of a history major college student, a modern-day Indiana Jones type figure, and a ninja- yes, there will be a ninja- taking on the mysteries of the past- the Roanoke colony, Stonehenge, the Easter Island heads, the Sphinx's paw, etc. They will be linked somehow, I swear- but I'm trying not to plan that out.

So, I lost. But now I'm even more pumped than before. Time to break out my NaNoWriMo handbook! Remember, guys, Chocolate_Caramel_Pecan. Don't be a stranger.

Not thinking is harder than I thought...

After last year's NaNoWriMo, which ended in disaster- well, in me not finishing my story- I promised myself that I would do no planning whatsoever this year. See, last year I overplanned, got too nitpicky, and cared a LOT about what I was writing. Using Jakkin, my oldest, best, and favorite character, was a bad move, too. I also promised several people that they could read it when I was done. >.> <.<

But it's harder than you might think not to start planning! I have so many ideas, but if I pick one, I'll start working on it in my head, which is a bad idea. NaNo is supposed to be gone into with nothing but a blank Word document and lots of caffeine. I will not give in! Hopefully this string of creativity will continue all through November.

27 days until NaNoWriMo!

NaNoWriMo Signups! Duh!

I totally totally forgot- what comes with Oktoberfest is signups for NaNoWriMo!

Um, translation- National Novel Writing Month.

The goal is... well, I'll just post a link to their little about thingy at the end of my post. If you decide to sign up- and please, please do, if anyone is reading this- send me a message. My username is Chocolate_Caramel_Pecan, after the caffeinated drink I will be pumping into myself during November.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/whatisnano

Send me a message!

He is the Mindfreak!

Okay, this guy pwns. Seriously.

Criss Angel is going to try to dematerialize before a crazy, wild-ass bull gores him. I love this guy- he's an illusionist, and he's absolutely amazing! Seriously, look him up on Youtube. I have no idea how he does this stuff!

Heehee, he looks so cute with his cowboy hat on...

My favorite stunt of his has got to be Oasis, way back in the first season of his show, Mindfreak. He was submerged in a tank for a few days, open on display to the public of New York. With the crowd gathered around, the tank suddenly burst into bubbles, everyone screamed... and out pops Criss Angel, in completely different, dry clothes, on top of a truck, shouting and making heads turn. Honestly, it's so awesome! It was one continual shot, too... and there were so many people there... he's definately amazing.

His show is on Tuesdays at 10:00, on A&E. Watch it. Be amazed. ^^

Chocolate Carmel Pecan... Yum!

Definately my new favorite drink, topped only by Bawls, which surpasses all beverages.

So I have a long-term goal... I want to save up for a laptop. With the rate I'm making money off of tips, I can probably get one before I have to start paying car insurance. My parents like the idea because I can use it for college... I like the idea because I can take it with me, do what I want with it, and put all of my info on it instead of not being able to do ANYTHING on my dad's. Unfortunately, BestBuy.com is not cooperating and won't let me look at anything, so I can't be a good little nerd and research- oh, nevermind, here we go.

*theme music while Tai browses Best Buy*

M'kay, here's what I'm looking at... <-- clicketh!

It took me a really long time to make that hyperlink...

So if anyone knows anything about laptop computers, please comment and let me know how that seems to you. I'm gonna call my computer nerd- er- the computer guy who fixes our main computer, and probably the Geek Squad too. The Geek Squad is my best friend. They helped me when my PS2 died.

Well, Criss Angel is on. I shall post about his awesome deeds later. ^_^

Happy Oktoberfest!

Yay, October! My favorite month of the year! I just love it, because all of the leaves start to turn and it's chilly enough to wear a jacket and there's apple cider and Halloween of course! Yes, I still dress up and trick-or-treat... come on, free candy!


APUSH free response essay... yawn... it's nine-thirty and I'm still not done with it, but I just have to blab on about a conclusion.

Sean Hannity pwns. Seriously. I think he's my favorite alternative news talkshow host person thing, except for maybe Glenn Beck. He's talking about how suckish it would be if Hillary Clinton became president. Personally, I agree with Tinker: one of the girls in my all-female AP class may become the first female president, because he hopes to God we don't get the first one next year. Yay for the Stop Hillary Campaign! :->

So, the latest crap Ms Clinton is dealing out? Let's give $5,000 to every child born, so they will have money from college! Hm, I wonder where that money will come from... MORE TAXES! And, let's see, while we're at it, let's take the profit from the oil companies and spend it on other stupid stuff!

Oh, I hate that woman. I hate her so. We need a Republican in office who will say "Screw you, liberals, I'm in charge so I'm gonna damn well do what WE want! Illegal immigrants, SCRAM. Get the damn fence built already! Let's go drill in the Pacific ocean- environmentalists, STFU. The paper said a bad thing about me? Oh, boo hoo. I'm sure I'll live." If only Bush would do that, he'd be pwnsome. I shudder to think what would happen if Hillary got into office... "It takes a village, blah blah blah..."

Honestly, people... who can honestly want that woman as president? I find it hard to believe that a majority of the country will vote for her... there can't be that many stupid people in the conutry, can there?

"Damn it, Hillary, we haven't even finished cleaning up after Bill yet!"

CURSE YOU, CLINTONS!