Guess I'll have to live with lonesome...

been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time...

Okay, there is something seriously messed up going on. My cousin Jason's wedding was today. It was amazing- Laurel, his fiance- well, wife now!- looked beautiful, I got to be with my little cousin Caleb and my older cousin Amy, it was in this big old house that made me want to crawl upstairs into one of the turret rooms and write. But for some reason, it made me feel excruciatingly lonely.

And it happened last night, too. I felt kinda down all night... and I feel bad for Jordan, because I was extremely untalkative... and then (I feel like some sort of snobby person saying this) Cliff came into the stands to say goodbye to Kaitlyn. I saw him, with his hat on backwards and this grin on his face, and my stomach sort of dived. And when he walked away, I felt really sad and I cried a little... lame, I know... and I felt really, really lonely.

What is it with me?! I shouldn't be lonely... I have amazing friends, and my dad, and even my brother hasn't been too bad lately. It's not like I have a bad life, or like no one talks to me. I have no right to feel all down on myself! But I can't help it... I keep getting this feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry. It hurts, but not actual physical pain, you know? I don't know why... and if anyone at all is reading this, please don't think I'm going into a depression or that I'm whining or trying to get attention. Nothing is wrong at all, which is why I don't know why I feel this way.

Well, to keep this from being all about me- Jason and Laurel, have a great life together! I love you both!

I'm gonna cry some
Then I'm gonna lay here and die some
All because I know there ain't no one else
Baby if I can't live with you
Guess I'll have to
Live with lonesome