Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted. Probably because I've just been feeling too down to bother writing to a non-existant audience. Remember that whole depression thing that started at a football game a while ago? Well, it's still around... and it resurfaces just when I let my guard down.
Take today for example. It was an all right day, compared to how things have been going. We had an assembly- sort of a rip off of the gameshow Power of 10- and Cliff was one of the hosts. He was funny and cute, as usual, and I was rather enjoying myself. I don't remember how it was relevant, but somehow Cliff was saying, "I think of everyone as my friend." I started crying.
Now, I don't want anyone thinking that I'm being all lame about liking Cliff. I know I don't have a chance, and normally I wouldn't get so upset. I think it's just that, on top of everything else that's been happening. I got used to having Chris to talk to, but now that we're not dating anymore, I don't have anyone. Cliff just amazes me so much because I had no idea a guy could be like that- nice and funny and smart and polite- like the amazing guys that every normal girl envisions in her head, minus the British accent. What's been happening lately? Well, let me recap.
My relationship with my mother has fallen to pieces. My dad has no time for me, too preoccupied with my brother. My mom's side of the family thinks I'm some sort of awful teenager because my mom lies to them about me. I'm realizing that the things I thought I was good at- piano, band, singing, writing- I'm not very good at at all. I'm not nearly as close with my friends anymore, and it seems like they all have someone they talk to or like or hang out with more than me. My grades aren't anywhere near where they should be. I haven't been eating.
And the worst part? The loneliness hasn't gone away, either.
It's like there's an empty spot in the pit of my stomach. I've been crying a lot lately, at the most random times, for no reason at all. The slightest thing can set me off anymore. I don't want to go and be social and do things with people because I'm afraid I'm going to be rejected. Don't get me wrong, I'm not becoming anti-social or depressed or anything. At least, I hope not. I've been praying, but it doesn't seem to be helping any. And today when I started crying in the auditorium, I felt like the world's biggest loser. So many people have it worse than me. If you asked anyone else, there isn't even anything going on in my life that should have me this upset. I don't know what it is, and I want it to go away.
On the plus side? Halloween is coming. Maybe my favorite holiday will cheer me up.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment