*--->>,.,.Taiga `08

wewt, movie tiem!

2008-01-17T15:02:00.000-08:00

Mean Girls is on ABC tonight at seven. xD I love that movie. It's so... lame, but cute. It's a chick flick. I love chick flicks.

Inari-chan got me into stickam.com. It's pretty cool- it's a webcam thing. I don't usually like having my face on the Internet, but I can't help but like it. It's cool. xD

My midterms are basically over, except for band, but that doesn't count. I'm looking forward to just being done with the whole thing.

Nothing on the Cliff front. Zip. Zilch. Nada. But I'm still fallen for him... *sigh*

I leave on retreat tomorrow. o.O

three days left!

2008-01-15T17:54:00.001-08:00

"I see the glass as half full. You see the glass as something to hit people with."

Best. Quote. Ever.

Foods was a bicycle ride where I hit the curb. APUSH was a fiery train wreck of death.

And I totally did better on my physics exam than I thought I would. Take a guess, please. 65? 75?

...

EIGHTY-FREAKING SEVEN!

I finished my physics powerpoint, and there are three days left until retreat. I CAN DO THIS.

three down, five to go.

2008-01-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

MIDTERMS SUCK. >.<

PE was like floating down the Lazy River at Splash Lagoon.

Geometry was a car crash with a seatbelt and airbags. (meaning, it wasn't bad.)

Physics was a train wreck. Period.

And my predictions? APUSH will be another train wreck, Spanish will be a car crash with a seatbelt but no airbags, English will be floating down to earth like a feather, Foods will be a very gentle car crash, and band will be... nothing. At all. >.<

Anyway. Five days until retreat. I CAN MAKE IT.

No time to write. Must study APUSH. o.O

shit

2008-01-13T20:15:00.001-08:00

too much stress

fucking hate midterms

i've been crying lately and I don't know why.

tgif

2008-01-11T20:30:00.001-08:00

Thank God it's Friday.

Midterms galore.

I'll spend the weekend studying and doing physics.

Joy.

*dies*

surprise! make up physics test!

2008-01-10T20:10:00.000-08:00

So I went to physics during band and finally made up my test... from before Christmas break... lmao. It wasn't bad, until I got to the end. We had to do an experiment thing, and "theoretical work"... I failed the theoretical part... and me and the other kid taking it, Matt, turned it in, then we were supposed to do the experiment together. I turned around to find him and HE WAS GONE. So I ran through the school looking for him, but this kid was GONE. I went back to physics and I said, "Miss B, be my partner. ) : ". And she did it! And gave me all this help. And I aced it. xD

Go figure.

Also, I made a video for Inari-chan of my room. Because I was bored as all hell.

My aunt, uncle, and grandma came over tonight to have cake and ice cream for my brother's birthday (three days ago... lol). We played foozeball downstairs. <3>

St. Lunatic High School is an adorable manga. And it's very readable- only two volumes. I haven't finished the second one yet, but I hope it's not like Yume Kira Dream Shoppe. YKDS was sooo kawaii, and I loved it to death, but there was only one! And it didn't even actually end. It was like she was going to write more, but didn't. ;.; I must ask Gaia. xD

That's all tonight! Ciao~

miiidterrrms and other shiz.

2008-01-09T20:04:00.000-08:00

Midterms are around the corner. ;.; Here's the setup.

Friday, Jan 11 - phys ed (easy)

Monday, Jan 14 - geometry (med) , physics (hard)

Tuesday, Jan 15 - foods (easy) , APUSH (hard)

Wednesday, Jan 16 - spanish (med)

Friday, Jan 18 - band (easy)

*sigh* And on top of that, my physics book report is due on the 16th, I have a Spanish test on Friday, and I have to start working on an APUSH outline because the weekend I'd be working on it, I'll be away. AND my English midterm is a series of three essays that I can't do until I get my physics out of the way.

*screams*

I just have to repeat it to myself: retreat, retreat, retreat. Nine more days.

Tomorrow I'm making chicken parmesean for dinner. We made it in foods today, and it was pretty good, if small. So I'm gonna do it tomorrow, before my aunt, uncle, and grandma come over. We're having cake and ice cream for my brother's birthday- he was twelve yesterday. D'oh, happy birthday oto-kun!

There's a lady who works at Borders at the mall, and I really like her. She's into anime, and she always talks to me about the manga I'm getting. I got the second and final St. Lunatic High School, and the second + Anima. She said that St. Lunatic's ends really well, and I'm already halfway done with it, lawls. And + Anima is just cool, kind of like an elemental thing, only the people have animal traits. Cooro = kawaii!

I'm watching Fresh Prince of BelAir. I love this show. xD Will Smith rocks my socks.

I got another magazine selling prom dresses. a) I am not going to prom because I don't have a date, b) how the hell did they know I'm a junior?, and c) those dresses are slutty and the models are NOT in high school. lmao.

Injury update: my hand is fine now, though there's still a nasty bruise, but I banged my ankle on the bus this morning (while I was riding it, not literally ON it). No bruise, but it hurst like hell when I touch it. I thought for sure I'd be bleeding when I got to school. xD

There you go, a longer entry. <3>

here we go again...

2008-01-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

I'm going through one of my "depressed for no reason" phases. I have no idea what it is, but I just feel so down lately. I need something to perk me up. o.O

Thank goodness the Living Stations retreat is coming up! That's a bright spot on the horizon. I'm looking forward to it. Unfortunately, before that, I have all my midterms. I always stress more over midterms than finals, because with finals, I take them and then I'm done for three months. I can relax. Not with midterms. ;.;

Another short entry. One of these days something significant WILL happen.

ow! mah thumb. : (

2008-01-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

I hurt my thumb in tae kwon do tonight. It hurts to type. :o I was holding a board for my friend to break, and she kicked and I didn't let go at the right time. It's right where... I don't know what it's called. The part of your hand that moves when you move only your thumb. >.>

Yeah.

Too tired. Need bed. I swear, I'll give a REAL post soon. xD

lucky lucky natsume~ <3

2008-01-06T18:22:00.000-08:00

So it appears Kelly got to go on a date with a certain hot guy. xD I'm happy for her. I got plenty of details. Kelly's great, and she deserves to have a guy give her attention.

Am I selfish for thinking 'when is it my turn, damn it'? Probably. I'd just like to be happy for her and not think about myself.

Short entry because I have to finish my physics. Nothing else happened today anyway, except for playing DDR at the church.

Ciao~

Gackt = Sexmuffin

2008-01-05T19:08:00.000-08:00

FOR SRS. How can anyone look at this and not think "HAWT" (except for boys, who should think "I WISH I LOOKED LIKE THAT")?

That's right, they can't.

Yeah, I've been obsessing over Gackt lately. <3>

Right now, I think I like Sakurasou best. Most of it is him going "La, la, laaaa..." BUT HE DOES IT SO HAWT. It's like... "Gackt is singing me a lullaby!"

I need to find more piccus of him smiling. 'Cause he's even hotter when he smiles. I hate the girls who are with him in the commercials he does... especially the Body-Love one. (not sure what Body-Love is, but she's with him and he has his shirt off D:) I NEED HIS SWEET LOVING.

don't tell anyone but Gackt is hotter than Cliff

you, ma'am, have crossed the line.

2008-01-04T19:39:00.000-08:00

I'm used to Maggie Deitrich making fun of me. But you know what really gets me mad? When she makes fun of my best friend. I seriously could have shot her during lunch.

No details.

Does she get some sort of sick high off of making people feel inferior? She must. Because I can't see any other reason to do it. I've finally found a fault with Cliff: he manages to be friends with such a cruel person.

And speaking of Cliff, Kelly said she doesn't hate him anymore. I asked her why, and she grinned and said "Because I saw him flirting with Kaitlyn!"

Way to cheer me up, Kel. Way. To. Go.

... that sucks.

2008-01-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

So I finally got to see Cliff. How great that was. I didn't actually talk to him; I was too nervous. He was so cute today, too... and the talk about Lisa and Chase making out and Molly and Trevor making out is not helping! It's like.... "Yes, I know I fail at life, I know I have no chance with a guy, thanks for reminding me!"

My NYR didn't work out too well. I couldn't say a word. *sigh*

Watched a video and did a whole freaking lab about washing my hands in foods. I AM OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW TO WASH MY HANDS. *glare*

Piano lesson tonight that I'm not ready for. APUSH now. Ughhh. My first day back is SUCKING.

ciao~

last day of break... ;.;

2008-01-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow I have to go back to school. Uuuugh.

My dad sort of got rid of my fears about taxes. He said since I make so little money I might even get some back. Possible a sizeable amount. o.O Schweetness, nah?

My mom and I had a huge fight tonight. It was stupid, too- I told her 'no' about getting rid of some of my stuff, and she started screaming in my face. It was awful, and now I feel like some bitchy little teenager. Ugh. >.> I would elaborate, but I'm tired and I don't feel like it.

I just realized this post is coming about twenty minutes until I'd be missing my entry for the second day. xD

I get to see Cliff tomorrow. I'm so excited! Along with Masame-chan, Chase, Gabbie, Molly, and all those other people I didn't get to see over break... xD Yays! But it's at school, which sucks.

Uuuugh, tired. Off for today. Ciao!

(oh and i kneeeeeew my posts wouldn't stay long, lolz)

akemashite omedetou gozaimasu!

2008-01-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I'm kind of glad to see 2007 go. Here's to hoping that 2008 will be ten times better!

So I've turned to the first page on my new FullMetal Alchemist calendar, and that reminds me... I need some New Year's Resolutions.

1. Stop procrastinating! Procrastination is BAD!
2. Get a backbone. Stop cowering in the corner and have some self-confidence!
3. Write in the blog every day, when possible. (The only exceptions are retreats and such without Internet access)

So, let's hope I can keep those. <3>

I had a wonderful Christmas, and this first post of the new year is coming to you from my brand new laptop! It's mainly for schoolwork, and it's nothing expensive, but I love it all the same. I only have one more day before I have to go back to school, and it will probably be spent doing my homework, but I had a great break- I got to spend a lot of time with Sakura-chan (movies, mall, my house, her house) and I saw a bunch of my friends at the New Year's Eve party last night. We had such a blast!

I don't want to go back to school, but I do miss my friends that I haven't seen- Masame, Kasai, Gabbie, Reanna, Olivia. I also miss Cliff. Huh. I guess my second NYR (New Year's Resolution) requires me to talk to him a bit more, doesn't it? Maybe I'll step up and start some friendly conversation. I would like that very much.

I got a few new games for Christmas, and some I bought myself. Magical Starsign (DS) and Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (DS) are absolutely amazing! I went out and bought the Harry Potter OotP for my DS, and it rather sucks. Don't buy it. I also bought NiGHTS Journey of Dreams for the Wii, and it's a lot of fun, though hard! I finally got out of the forest temple in Zelda: Twilight Princess, thanks to Sakura-chan, and now I'm in the fire temple. That boss didn't look too hard when she did it. xD

There are several things on my mind that are worrying me. Here they are, listed from least worrying to OMG HALP!

1. piano lesson Thursday that I haven't practiced for
2. physics book report
3. SATs that I still haven't registered for
4. TAXES.

I've never paid taxes before. I'm a little worried. What if I screwed up? That would be horrible! My boss takes my taxes out of my paycheck, but not on my tips. I'm kinda nervous. <.< >.> But I think I'll be able to handle everything else. I have Katie to help me with my book report, and we'll probably end up going through the SATs together too. I can do it! *chin up*

I'm also going to be able to test for my orange belt soon in tae kwon do. I won't be there for the actual testing, since I'm going on the Living Stations retreat (yay!), but I'll do makeup testing. I'm pretty sure I'll do all right, for my first time!

Oh, Living Stations retreat! I'm so excited! It's a weekend at the St. Joseph Retreat Center in Greensburg, for the youth group at my church. It's so much fun! There's no Internet access and no TV or anything, but I like it. It's like... a break. Let's forget everything that's going on and go up to the retreat center for a week, playing Extreme Spoons in the Long Dark Hallway of Death. There's a talent show every year, and everyone has to do something, since we all have a gift. I need to think of something... I was going to sing, but I'm too nervous. Maybe that's NYR #2 again. >.>

That's all for now. I wonder if all of my posts this year will be this long? Probably not. Ah, well. I hope you all are looking forward to the New Year, and I hope that when I say "you all" I'm not talking to my imaginary audience! Thanks for reading, and I hope you stick with me through '08! Domo arigatou!

PS- how d'you like the new layout? Not that it takes much creativity to pick one off the page. xD

Is it can be Christmas time now please?

2007-12-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

kthx, bai nao.

Um, no, wait!

So I'm finally, finally, finally on break! And even though Friday was our last day of school, mine only starts tomorrow (Monday) because I've been cleaning/working all weekend. But we are DONE and it's time for fun.

So. On the last day of classes, KK had us do an assembly for the highschool. Band played a couple songs, jazz band kicked it ('cause we rock like that), then band and chorus sang a song together- "Let Heaven and Nature Sing". I like that song. ^^

But. There's always a but.

Kaitlyn had a solo. That's not why I'm upset, she has a great voice, I think she sounds awesome. x.x Cliff was sitting three rows back, and I was watching him the whole time. I kinda wish I wasn't, because when Kaitlyn got up to sing her solo, he looked at her like... "wow". He had this smile on his face and his eyes were so... amazing... and he was looking at her like she was an angel or something. I couldn't finish the song because I started crying.

WHY IS IT HER AND HANNAH AND NOT ME? UGH.

On a lighter note...

Wait, there is no lighter note yet. Damn.

I'll post again when I find a lighter note.

wtf, vegetables feel pain...

2007-12-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

Um, yeah, really random, but what the hell. This is funny.

http://www.bbspot.com/News/2003/08/plant_pain.html

Apparently plants feel pain... the corn bit made me laugh, 'cause there is a shitload of corn around here and it doesn't move... but whatever. What are the vegans going to do now, I wonder?

In other news, I talked to Cliff a bit just now. He got hurt at the basketball game last night and I was asking him what happened and stuffs. So yeah.

More later!

Um, wewt?

2007-12-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

Happy December! And, um... yeah. o.O

Two stripes on my white belt in tae kwon do, whoot! And I saw Steve and Jeremy at youth group tonight. We watched Bleach on Steve's iPod.

And yeah. ^_^

Oh, it's what you do to me...

2007-11-27T03:33:00.001-08:00

Another Cliff dream. At least I get to see him today.

And wouldn't you know my iPod woke me up with "Hey There Delilah"?

I hate obsession.

2007-11-26T15:30:00.000-08:00

Wow, this is turning into a regular old Cliff blog, isn't it? I swear I'll stop obsessing long enough to talk about other stuff... eventually... not that anyone reads this anyway. xD

So I actually put him out of my mind and I was actually going to do my APUSH essay... but "Hey There Delilah" was playing on my iPod. See, it always skips on my iPod 'cause I downloaded it and it messes up at "none of them" and "the world", but in my dream it was playing on my iPod, and we were talking at Barnes and Noble, and it got really climatic and then the song didn't skip. So I won't download a new version that doesn't skip because it's like... my thing. So lame, I know.

Anyway, it made me start thinking about him and I'm kinda happy... because I get to see all my friends tomorrow, and I get to see him even though he probably won't talk to me... but I just like watching him. He's so nice to everyone and he's so cute when he laughs... and it makes me feel all warm inside even if he's not even talking to me.

Because you all wanted to know that, my non-existant cyber audience. One of these days I WILL make an entire update without mentioning Cliff...

Oh, and Jessica at work said that if I don't talk to him by tomorrow, she's stealing me and she and April are going to take me to the mall, teach me how to do my hair cool, and help me pick out some clothes. I don't know whether that's an insult or not, but at least they want to help... so I'll have to talk to him, because I don't have the money!

$$$$$$$ <3

Don't You Know

2007-11-26T11:04:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I wrote this. Because I haven't seen him in ages and I can't stop thinking about him. Laugh if you want.

---

Don't you know she adores you,
and she can't help daydreaming of you?

Don't you know she has a fool's heart,
and she's still waiting for you?

Don't you know that when you speak,
she listens even when you're not talking to her?

Don't you know that when you smile,
she has butterflies for days?

Don't you know that her heartbeat quickens,
and all you have to do is look?

Don't you know she's afraid to speak,
because she's afraid you don't know her name?

Don't you know she feels alone,
even with all of her friends around her?

Don't you know she still keeps her feelings,
while she knows that she doesn't have a chance?

Don't you know that you're in her mind,
because maybe you're supposed to be there?

Don't you know that she's terrified to lose you,
even though you were never hers?

You're such a fool.
Don't you know she loves you?

A Hero Comes Home - Beowulf

2007-11-26T10:14:00.000-08:00

Out of the mist of history he'll come again
Sailing on ships across the sea to a wounded nation
Signs of a savior and fire on the water
It's what we prayed for, one of our own

Just wait though wide he may roam
Always a hero comes home
He goes where no one has gone
But always a hero comes home

Deep in the heart of darkness sparks a dream of light
Surrounded by hopelessness he finds the will to fight
There's no surrender, always remember
It doesn't end here, we're not alone

Just wait though wide he may roam
Always a hero comes home
He goes where no one has gone
But always a hero comes home

And he will come back on a crimson tide
Dead or alive
And even though we know the bridge has burned
He will return... He will return!

Just wait though wide he may roam
Always a hero comes home
He knows of places unknown
But always a hero comes home

Someday he may carve his stone
The hero comes home

He goes and comes back alone
But always a hero comes home
Just wait though wide he may roam
Always a hero come home!

Puppy love sucks.

2007-11-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

Am I pathetic, or what?

I've been trying not to think about Cliff too much, since it only makes me kinda sad, since I know I don't have a chance... but I can't help it! I've dreamed about him for the past few nights- nothing bad, just us hanging out, talking... one where we met at Barnes and Noble. All I want to do is be around him, and have him like me, but I clam up whenever I'm near him and I can't think of anything to say.

I heard that even though he likes Caitlyn, he's not going to ask her out. I'm kind of glad about that. It means my hopes aren't totally crushed. But Maggie and Courtney and a bunch of other girls who hate me are all over him... I can't get in edgewise.

Here's to being completely smitten, but not standing a chance.<>

Abortion

2007-11-14T15:11:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows I'm against abortion. For English, we're doing a project about a controversial trial. My group did Roe v. Wade, the one that made abortion legal in the United States. Part of the project involved writing a closing argument for either the defense or the prosecution, and I got stuck with the prosecution (being Roe, for abortion). I hated the idea of supporting something I was against, so I decided to pretend to be a stupid, heartless bastard. I was going to find a picture of a human fetus and hold it up, and be all... "Does this look like a human being to you?"

Well, I found my picture. And it made me cry. I'm not going to post it here, but follow the link, please.

http://www.abort73.com/HTML/AbortionPictures/images/abortion-09-03.jpg

See the little organs? The hands and feet? That's the life that didn't get a chance to blossom. PWNED, Roe betches. Respect life, damn it. And I don't care what you tell me- that's life.

NaNo Creature Info

2007-11-14T13:56:00.000-08:00

So, now that my novel has totally changed its... theme type thing... I have some strange creatures that are becoming involved. Here's some info about them, straight from my notes.

Cursed- The race of sentient Chimeras. As a people, they are generally good at disguise. They are well-known for their messenger system. They have no defining religion, but gladly adapt those of others. Their government is a democracy that is non-functional. They exist as servants to another race. A great doom awaits them, and they are all too aware of it.

Cairn- The spindly race. They have silky hair and often tie things like feathers into it. They have eyes that change color constantly. When they die, they actually turn into another kind of creature. Their government is a plutocracy. Once slaves, they overthrew their masters and rule their realm now. (Lucian’s friend who still needs a name)

Desert Halfling- This race evolved in a desert region. The race has vestigial eyes and horse-like ears. Physically, this race posesses degenerated agility and unearthly health. The race is known for their empathy and their republican government (yay!). (Irra)

And I swear... I will post an excerpt soon... promise!

Quick Update

2007-11-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

In my NaNo frenzy, I keep forgetting about my blog. xD

I've almost hit 20k on my novel, horray! And there are sky pirates. >:D

I also have a new hangout thread on Gaia to direct you to...

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/friends-chat/oxx-pirates-in-the-sky-a-hangout-thread/t.34661117/

And happy Veteran's Day. Yay for our soldiers! <3

NaNoWriMo Ate My Soul.

2007-11-07T19:05:00.001-08:00

Not much going on. NaNoWriMo ate my soul. Word count is 14,402 as of 10:05 PM on day seven. Week one's over, and I think I can already feel the slogs of week two heading my way... time to batten down the hatches, or, as they would say in my novel, batten down the zeppelin...

I promised an excerpt, didn't I? Even though no one reads this, I'll make good on my promise. <3>

Nothing going on with Cliff. Hardly any contact whatsoever. Maybe I should just give up... but I can't help it.

Stuck singing that stupid song that everyone seems to like...

Hey there, Delilah, what's it like in New York City?
I'm 1000 miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty.

Hey There Delilah, Plain White T's

2007-11-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm 1000 miles away
But tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
And we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to

Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

Ready, Set, Go!: NaNoWriMo '07 has begun!

2007-11-02T06:40:00.000-07:00

That's right, guys, yesterday was the beginning of National Novel Writing Month. I'm determined to get my 1667 words a day, and I got a bit of a headstart with over 3000 yesterday. Remember those little updates I had about possible plots? Well, I scrapped them all. I'm writing a steampunk adventure novel. It looks pretty good, and once I get to an exciting part I'll post a little bit to let you read it. Maybe. >.> <.<

On the downside, I got sick at the Toilet Bowl last night (the tb is the game we play in every year for sucking so badly during the regular season, and it's always on a Thursday). I was throwing up a lot, and I didn't go to school again. I still feel like I'm gonna puke, but at least I have time to work on my novel.

Wish me luck, and good luck to my fellow Wrimos!

Long Update of Super Hugeness

2007-10-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted. Probably because I've just been feeling too down to bother writing to a non-existant audience. Remember that whole depression thing that started at a football game a while ago? Well, it's still around... and it resurfaces just when I let my guard down.

Take today for example. It was an all right day, compared to how things have been going. We had an assembly- sort of a rip off of the gameshow Power of 10- and Cliff was one of the hosts. He was funny and cute, as usual, and I was rather enjoying myself. I don't remember how it was relevant, but somehow Cliff was saying, "I think of everyone as my friend." I started crying.

Now, I don't want anyone thinking that I'm being all lame about liking Cliff. I know I don't have a chance, and normally I wouldn't get so upset. I think it's just that, on top of everything else that's been happening. I got used to having Chris to talk to, but now that we're not dating anymore, I don't have anyone. Cliff just amazes me so much because I had no idea a guy could be like that- nice and funny and smart and polite- like the amazing guys that every normal girl envisions in her head, minus the British accent. What's been happening lately? Well, let me recap.

My relationship with my mother has fallen to pieces. My dad has no time for me, too preoccupied with my brother. My mom's side of the family thinks I'm some sort of awful teenager because my mom lies to them about me. I'm realizing that the things I thought I was good at- piano, band, singing, writing- I'm not very good at at all. I'm not nearly as close with my friends anymore, and it seems like they all have someone they talk to or like or hang out with more than me. My grades aren't anywhere near where they should be. I haven't been eating.

And the worst part? The loneliness hasn't gone away, either.

It's like there's an empty spot in the pit of my stomach. I've been crying a lot lately, at the most random times, for no reason at all. The slightest thing can set me off anymore. I don't want to go and be social and do things with people because I'm afraid I'm going to be rejected. Don't get me wrong, I'm not becoming anti-social or depressed or anything. At least, I hope not. I've been praying, but it doesn't seem to be helping any. And today when I started crying in the auditorium, I felt like the world's biggest loser. So many people have it worse than me. If you asked anyone else, there isn't even anything going on in my life that should have me this upset. I don't know what it is, and I want it to go away.

On the plus side? Halloween is coming. Maybe my favorite holiday will cheer me up.

I feel like a teen again!

2007-10-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

After ages of having no life at all, I feel like a teenager again.

Miki, Sara and I went up to the mall on Monday since we had the day off of school, and we had so much fun! We were basically just window shopping, except for in Borders and Game Stop. I got another volume of manga and the My Sims game for my Nintendo DS. Awesome game, and Miki got it too. ^_^

I miss hanging out with my friends like that. "Hey, I'm bored, let's go to the mall!" It makes me feel normal, and I'm gonna make it a point to do it again soon.

In other news... I had to work last night, and Jordan showed up to eat with his family. The cook asked me if he was my boyfriend, and I said no, I was his section leader. "You're his SEX LEADER?!" @_@ It was a little embarrassing, but whatever, I don't care! ^_^

We did our Catcher in the Rye skits in English today (I don't think I explained about that, we were supposed to defend the book in a school board meeting). When we wrote ours, I thought it was funny, but I don't think people liked it. ;.; Maura, Reanna, Emily, and Leanna said they liked it though, so that's cool. ^_^ Cliff's group was amazing... basically because he was in it. <3>

Well, that's about it for now. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little better these days even though I have a cold. Kinda mentally better, ya know? Yes, better mood now. Much better.

Under the weather...

2007-10-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ugh, this sucks. My voice is all but gone for some reason, I have a big project I have to finish for APUSH, and there's an orthodontist appointment tomorrow. There was something I wanted to update about, but I don't remember what it is.

Penguins won last night, yay, but Steelers won today, boo. Too tired and too crappy-feeling to update anymore. Ciao. >.>

Guess I'll have to live with lonesome...

2007-10-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time...

Okay, there is something seriously messed up going on. My cousin Jason's wedding was today. It was amazing- Laurel, his fiance- well, wife now!- looked beautiful, I got to be with my little cousin Caleb and my older cousin Amy, it was in this big old house that made me want to crawl upstairs into one of the turret rooms and write. But for some reason, it made me feel excruciatingly lonely.

And it happened last night, too. I felt kinda down all night... and I feel bad for Jordan, because I was extremely untalkative... and then (I feel like some sort of snobby person saying this) Cliff came into the stands to say goodbye to Kaitlyn. I saw him, with his hat on backwards and this grin on his face, and my stomach sort of dived. And when he walked away, I felt really sad and I cried a little... lame, I know... and I felt really, really lonely.

What is it with me?! I shouldn't be lonely... I have amazing friends, and my dad, and even my brother hasn't been too bad lately. It's not like I have a bad life, or like no one talks to me. I have no right to feel all down on myself! But I can't help it... I keep getting this feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry. It hurts, but not actual physical pain, you know? I don't know why... and if anyone at all is reading this, please don't think I'm going into a depression or that I'm whining or trying to get attention. Nothing is wrong at all, which is why I don't know why I feel this way.

Well, to keep this from being all about me- Jason and Laurel, have a great life together! I love you both!

I'm gonna cry some
Then I'm gonna lay here and die some
All because I know there ain't no one else
Baby if I can't live with you
Guess I'll have to
Live with lonesome

Aw, shoot.

2007-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

... I gave in. My idea consists of a history major college student, a modern-day Indiana Jones type figure, and a ninja- yes, there will be a ninja- taking on the mysteries of the past- the Roanoke colony, Stonehenge, the Easter Island heads, the Sphinx's paw, etc. They will be linked somehow, I swear- but I'm trying not to plan that out.

So, I lost. But now I'm even more pumped than before. Time to break out my NaNoWriMo handbook! Remember, guys, Chocolate_Caramel_Pecan. Don't be a stranger.

Not thinking is harder than I thought...

2007-10-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

After last year's NaNoWriMo, which ended in disaster- well, in me not finishing my story- I promised myself that I would do no planning whatsoever this year. See, last year I overplanned, got too nitpicky, and cared a LOT about what I was writing. Using Jakkin, my oldest, best, and favorite character, was a bad move, too. I also promised several people that they could read it when I was done. >.> <.<

But it's harder than you might think not to start planning! I have so many ideas, but if I pick one, I'll start working on it in my head, which is a bad idea. NaNo is supposed to be gone into with nothing but a blank Word document and lots of caffeine. I will not give in! Hopefully this string of creativity will continue all through November.

27 days until NaNoWriMo!

NaNoWriMo Signups! Duh!

2007-10-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

I totally totally forgot- what comes with Oktoberfest is signups for NaNoWriMo!

Um, translation- National Novel Writing Month.

The goal is... well, I'll just post a link to their little about thingy at the end of my post. If you decide to sign up- and please, please do, if anyone is reading this- send me a message. My username is Chocolate_Caramel_Pecan, after the caffeinated drink I will be pumping into myself during November.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/whatisnano

Send me a message!

He is the Mindfreak!

2007-10-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, this guy pwns. Seriously.

Criss Angel is going to try to dematerialize before a crazy, wild-ass bull gores him. I love this guy- he's an illusionist, and he's absolutely amazing! Seriously, look him up on Youtube. I have no idea how he does this stuff!

Heehee, he looks so cute with his cowboy hat on...

My favorite stunt of his has got to be Oasis, way back in the first season of his show, Mindfreak. He was submerged in a tank for a few days, open on display to the public of New York. With the crowd gathered around, the tank suddenly burst into bubbles, everyone screamed... and out pops Criss Angel, in completely different, dry clothes, on top of a truck, shouting and making heads turn. Honestly, it's so awesome! It was one continual shot, too... and there were so many people there... he's definately amazing.

His show is on Tuesdays at 10:00, on A&E. Watch it. Be amazed. ^^

Chocolate Carmel Pecan... Yum!

2007-10-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

Definately my new favorite drink, topped only by Bawls, which surpasses all beverages.

So I have a long-term goal... I want to save up for a laptop. With the rate I'm making money off of tips, I can probably get one before I have to start paying car insurance. My parents like the idea because I can use it for college... I like the idea because I can take it with me, do what I want with it, and put all of my info on it instead of not being able to do ANYTHING on my dad's. Unfortunately, BestBuy.com is not cooperating and won't let me look at anything, so I can't be a good little nerd and research- oh, nevermind, here we go.

*theme music while Tai browses Best Buy*

M'kay, here's what I'm looking at... <-- clicketh!

It took me a really long time to make that hyperlink...

So if anyone knows anything about laptop computers, please comment and let me know how that seems to you. I'm gonna call my computer nerd- er- the computer guy who fixes our main computer, and probably the Geek Squad too. The Geek Squad is my best friend. They helped me when my PS2 died.

Well, Criss Angel is on. I shall post about his awesome deeds later. ^_^

Happy Oktoberfest!

2007-10-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

Yay, October! My favorite month of the year! I just love it, because all of the leaves start to turn and it's chilly enough to wear a jacket and there's apple cider and Halloween of course! Yes, I still dress up and trick-or-treat... come on, free candy!

APUSH free response essay... yawn... it's nine-thirty and I'm still not done with it, but I just have to blab on about a conclusion.

Sean Hannity pwns. Seriously. I think he's my favorite alternative news talkshow host person thing, except for maybe Glenn Beck. He's talking about how suckish it would be if Hillary Clinton became president. Personally, I agree with Tinker: one of the girls in my all-female AP class may become the first female president, because he hopes to God we don't get the first one next year. Yay for the Stop Hillary Campaign! :->

So, the latest crap Ms Clinton is dealing out? Let's give $5,000 to every child born, so they will have money from college! Hm, I wonder where that money will come from... MORE TAXES! And, let's see, while we're at it, let's take the profit from the oil companies and spend it on other stupid stuff!

Oh, I hate that woman. I hate her so. We need a Republican in office who will say "Screw you, liberals, I'm in charge so I'm gonna damn well do what WE want! Illegal immigrants, SCRAM. Get the damn fence built already! Let's go drill in the Pacific ocean- environmentalists, STFU. The paper said a bad thing about me? Oh, boo hoo. I'm sure I'll live." If only Bush would do that, he'd be pwnsome. I shudder to think what would happen if Hillary got into office... "It takes a village, blah blah blah..."

Honestly, people... who can honestly want that woman as president? I find it hard to believe that a majority of the country will vote for her... there can't be that many stupid people in the conutry, can there?

"Damn it, Hillary, we haven't even finished cleaning up after Bill yet!"

CURSE YOU, CLINTONS!

Rush Hour

2007-09-30T05:43:00.000-07:00

Best. Movie. Ever.

"What's up, my nigga?" Jackie Chan = amazing.

The rents and my brother are at church, and I don't go until later, so I have the house to myself. I'm dead tired... I had to work last night and it was pretty busy. I also had some of that chocolate-vanilla-pecan cuppaccino they sell, and I think I'm addicted. Very good.

Not much going on today, just Life Teen. And hunting around on Gaia for a half-decent roleplay. Total boredom. >.>

Everyone else went ice skating yesterday, while I was stuck working. Apparently the Ice Guard looks good this year. ^.^ I have to go next week... they sent me pics and it made me kinda sad that I was missing out.

So bored. Nothing to write. Uuuuugh...

Bright and Early With an APUSH Outline

2007-09-29T05:26:00.001-07:00

That's right, there's one due Monday. And I have to work tonight, so I'd better try and get it done. Ugh.

Well, Bulldogs lost the game last night... predictably. They were up 22-0 at halftime, and then through a series of events that I don't understand (I don't like nor understand football), they came out 22-22, and lost in overtime. I guess I should start pretending to like football, because still more people are pissed at me over my lack of excitement about the game. Cliff wasn't there, either- I guess he only does home games.

Apparently my mother was really mad about something I did last night... so it'd be in my best interest to get out of the house. My dad's doing some stuff later- just general stuff, bank, home depot, etc.- and I want to go with him, but I have this stupid outline that I should be doing right now. It won't be an excuse for my mother, to get out of chores and listening to her yell at me, so what's the point? I think I'm gonna go.

Feel like crap. Tired and achy. Better not feel this way when I go to work.

6:20 in the morning... ugh...

2007-09-28T03:19:00.000-07:00

Let's see, what's on the agenda for today...?

4Sight tests, that's what! ;.;

Stupid bubble tests. We'll take them at least five times this year, and they are not important, no matter what Staub says. We never even see our results! Stupid state-issued tests... so no first through fifth period, which defeats the joy of a) not having block scheduling today and b) having a half day.

I do get to have physics, though, and I'm not just glad about that because Cliff is in it! We probably won't have time to do anything, since the class will only be about twenty minutes long, but Wargo amuses me.

Other than that, football game at Mowhawk today, and I of course have to go with the band... I wonder if Cliff is going, since he's the mascot? Eh, well, even if he did he probably wouldn't talk to me.

Well, at least Miki and I will be able to do our thing on the bus ride home... meaning using iPods/cell phone for microphones and sing as loud as we possibly can. Whether we're on key or not is up to fate. ; )

Falling Out

2007-09-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

I'm falling out of grace with the world
They say I've lost my midas touch
What turned to gold now turns to rust
I'm falling out of line with all the stars
That flood my dreams with their guitars and magazines

[Chorus]
Face down this carpet tastes like coffee grounds
Ground into my face now
And every angle's covered with just another (band-aid)

I'm falling out of style with the current way things are
The things that make conforming hard
I'm falling out of control and you just can't stop me now
I'll fight as long as time allows

I'm out here way beyond
A shadow of a doubt
And I know I'm never falling out of favor with you [x2]

I won't think twice or even three times
About taking a gamble with you
Cause with my life you have been so kind
I take all my comfort from you

[Chorus]

I'm out here way beyond
A shadow of a doubt
And I know I'm never falling out of favor with you

How convenient!

2007-09-27T14:02:00.001-07:00

Does this sum me up lately, or what?

Yeah, I thought so.

I am socially challenged.

2007-09-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

I was kinda planning on talking to Cliff today, just to try and have a regular conversation, but I couldn't bring myself to do it in physics and when I saw him after school he was with Caitlyn. Why am I so lame?!

So, aside from my social ineptness, Gabbie, Bridget, Emily Frank and I stayed after for a while to make some signs for the Halloween dance coming up. KK came up with a half-decent name- the Haunt. At least it isn't "Spooktacular" or something lame like that. I can't paint at ALL, but I think it looks okay... though I wish "The Haunt" had been done in all black and orange. I didn't paint that part, so it's not my problem! I probably won't even be able to go, since I have to work.

I actually think I did okay on my Geometry test today... better than I ever did on any of Mr. Majors'. Quite a few people came up to me to ask if I really said something about people who play sports being unintelligent. Why would I say that?! Honestly! I don't know why Maggie would spread that around. My best friends play sports! One of the smartest girls in my grade is a terrific athlete! I really need to find out what Maggie's problem is... but I'm kind of scared of her. Guess it's from freshman year.

No luck with ice skating Saturday- everyone else can go, but the sessions are both when I have to work. Damn you, work schedule!

Oh, and I still have to keep on the DL about Miki's problem, but I can say this- something really positive happened today. She's lucky- the guys she likes tend to return her feelings, even if in the first two cases it took a while. Too bad I can't get lucky like that with Cliff! <3

Well, that about covers it. Might put another post up later, might not. Here's hoping for a good movie on ABC tonight!

Can I have some extra drama with my junior year?

2007-09-27T03:19:00.001-07:00

I'm guessing I must have asked for some, because after thinking it over, this is all totally NUTS! All of the Cliff-Maggie-Caitlyn stuff I can handle, but there's another issue floating around that only partially concerns me. Well... actually it totally does, because it involves my best friend and she needs my support.

Last year, everything was pretty cool. Met Chris during band camp, really liked him, turned out he really liked me, so we dated. The only problem was that when I started to think I didn't want to date him anymore, I waited and waited to tell him because I felt bad. Shoulda told him sooner, but eh, what can you do? We're still friends and stuff, so it's all good.

Or not.

Now he likes my best friend, Miki. And she has the same problem I did. She wants to tell him no, but she doesn't want to hurt him. Trust me, guys (and I don't know who I'm referring to here because no one reads this anyway), Chris tends to let every little thing that happen affect him. Remember how I was after the whole notebook incident yesterday? For Chris, it would be the end of the world.

Though I really hope no one would call him that, seeing as he's a guy...

UGH. Well, the gang's all going to Brady's Run on Saturday to ice skate, and Miki invited both Chris and Dillan (can't say too much on that, even if nobody DOES read this). We'll just have to see what happens.

(Can the skating rink handle our bigger group? Last year there were four of us inexperienced skaters and we managed to cause some havoc... unintentionally, of course... good thing the ice guards are there! <3)

One more thing!

2007-09-26T18:12:00.001-07:00

Last post tonight, my non-existant readers, and it isn't Cliff-related, I swear! Am I the only one who finds a guy lying in his boxers on a bunch of beads to advertise gum disturbing? This is what I get for watching the CW. >.>

Butterflies!

2007-09-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Um, why do I have butterflies now? I mean, the whole thing with Cliff happened hours ago. I couldn't even talk to my dad when I was alone with him earlier, and anyone who knows me knows that I live for the time I get to spend with my dad. I think I need to chill out and get a life. >.>Ugh, who am I kidding?! I don't have a chance with him anyway...

Oh, and fyi- y being anyone who reads this, which is probably no one- I'm not holding a horrible grudge against the girl he likes, or anything. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, because I am, but I'm not flying around trying to make them hate each other. I'm not that shallow.

... Though I can't say I wouldn't mind if there was a tearless, hard-feeling-less split between them. Oh man, I shouldn't say that. If it happens, it happens, and I probably wouldn't be who catches his attention next. I'm going to stop digging myself into a hole here.

... mmm, why does the first guy I really feel like I like get caught up not even a month after he gets here?!

Total humiliation...

2007-09-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

Why do some people rock hard (like my friends), and yet others suck horribly?

Um, a little background info. There's a new kid in my class this year, Cliff. He's basically amazing- really cute, really nice and polite, he drives a motorcycle for crying out loud! Trumps all other guys at my school.

And today, thanks to a certain someone, I've been totally humiliated in front of him.

To get it out quickly. Cliff borrowed my English notes at lunch, and I was kinda happy because I kept my cool... which I'm rather bad at doing. He returned it at the end, blah blah blah, I went to English.

And you know what? Two pages past my last notes was a nice little message from a certain someone (not Cliff, thank God) informing me that I was... well, something disgusting. And Cliff saw it. I could have died. I honestly felt like I was going to cry through the first part of the class. I thought he'd only asked for my notebook so that she could write that.

While I was sharing this story with a friend of mine during class, he came up, cool as all hell (he's always like that, never awkward or anything), and asked if he could have my notebook again. He took it, ripped out the page with the note, crumpled it and threw it away. He apologized and everything, said he didn't want her to write it, etc. I didn't really believe him, so I acted like an idiot and said, "Is that the whole reason you borrowed it? So she could write that?"

I could tell he wasn't lying, because he was so serious. He said he wasn't that type of guy, he wouldn't do that, and that he was sorry again. And instead of saying something smooth or cool or something, do you know what I said? "It's all good."

HONESTLY. I guess this is why I'm a loser with guys. ;.; He likes someone else anyway. No chance.
---
For anyone who actually knows me (probably no one)... whatever Maggie Deitrich said about me thinking those who play sports are unintelligent is a lie. Almost every one of my friends play sports. God, why did I ever open my mouth within a ten foot radius of her? Should've learned my lesson in freshman year.

Wow. I have a blog.

2007-07-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

That's interesting. That's very interesting.

I don't really know what I'm gonna talk about here, but like the title of the blog says, it's random musings. Of a bored teenager. Meaning I'll only write when I feel like it about what I feel like writing. xD

So... that's about it. >> << *shifty eyes* I suppose... I'll... go now...

*flees*